Sunday, January 01, 2006

Falling in love

Having a new baby is so much like falling in love again. I always knew that I would love my child, but I never could have imagined how much. I adore that kid! I just stare at him for hours. There is nothing that kid does that isn't cute. He is just so beautiful to me!!! It's like falling in love all over again. Only this time- it's not nearly as scarey. I guess it's just easier to have someone depend on/ need you than to need another person. When I look back, I almost laugh at how scared I was the first go around. What a blessing to have two people I can love so completely. What a blessing to have a baby boy. I adore that kid more than I ever could have imagined.

Return to work

I went back to work when Ian turned 6 weeks old. I work at a brain injury rehab in Galveston. I love my job. It is a great job. I work 3 days a week and am home 4. It's really a great situation. We have a nanny who is in the ward (church congregation) next door. She comes to our home the 3 days that I am gone. She is wonderful. She is kind and truly loving towards Ian. Basically, Ian has three caregivers instead of just 2. He loves his Kileen and she loves him. She started work about 2 weeks before I went back to work so that I could teach her about Ian, his routine, his personality, and his needs. I slowly left her with Ian for longer periods of time. By the time I went back to work, I was completely comfortable leaving Ian with her. We are so grateful for her love and kindness.

When I went back to work, I was a little concerned about how I would arrange pumping during the work day. Not too concerned- I have my own office and can just lock the door- but it still requires the support of my supervisor. (She's always supportive, but you always wonder.) I had a fear that she would try to get me to work full-time because they are under-staffed. (Which I will not do.)

When I went back, I was overwhellmed with people's love towards me. I must have had 40 people ask me about Ian and how he was doing, telling me they missed me and were glad I was back, and telling me I looked good (I needed it). I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. It was really the best situation I could dream of. My boss gave me her absolute support with regards to pumping at work and working part time. I went home that first day exhausted, but with a heart full of gratitude.

My new smile

Ian started "working on his smile" right before Thanksgiving. It was really cute, he would open his mouth wide with his lips minutely puckered- then pull them back into a smile. He would do this over and over. Those pictures of his smile at Thanksgiving are some of his earliest ones. Well, he has gotten pretty good at that smile. Sometimes he gets it confused with sticking his tongue out- Dave always sticks his tongue out at Ian. Ian imitates him. Then Dave smiles. Because the smile always followed- Ian got the two confused for a few weeks. It was quite cute!

Well. Within the past few days, Ian has started something new- he smiles AT you. He will be looking around, notice me or Dave, make eye contact, and produce the biggest, brightest smile. If we weren't already in love with the kid- that would surely seal our fate.


I find it amazing how much basic physiology is designed to bring families together. When I am away from Ian I miss him. But I miss him in a different way and more intensely than I ever could have imagined. You see, as a breast feeding mother, I NEED my son. I am physically uncomfortable when I am away from him too long. (Uncomfortable is a severe understatement.) Because that pain is driven by the same hormones that drive my emotions, I literally miss him both physically and emotionally. At night, almost every night- I dream that I am feeding him. I wake up soaked and literally think that he is in bed with us. I can't get back to sleep until he wakes up to eat. My point is.. Physiology makes it so that I miss him. I need him as much as he needs me. Maybe this is what they mean by "the ties that bind". I recently realized just how much this parallels a husband's need for his wife (and vice versa). I guess the Lord knows what he is doing. He has done all that he can to make sure families love and care for one another.

Mary's Lullaby

One of the "joys" of having a new baby boy is middle of the night feedings. Experiencing these for the first time during the Christmas season makes me think and ponder on the thoughts and feelings of Mary and her baby. I find myself singing the words, "All mine in your loveliness, baby all mine. All mine in your holiness, baby divine. Sing on hearld angels in joyous sublime. Sing on and adore, for tonight you are mine." It's almost crazy, but I treasure those moments. I don't even mind being up in the middle of the night. I guess I am gone just enough during the week- that when I am home- I treasure every moment with that little boy. He is just so beautiful. Little by little, he will grow up. But tonight, he's my little baby boy and I am grateful for every moment.